Refuge Page 14

  I loosened my hands which I had unconsciously clenched in my lap. “That’s it then?”

  “That is one theory.” Nikolas rested his elbows on his knees bringing him closer to me, and his eyes held mine as if he was reading my thoughts. “My other theory is that you are afraid.”

  I swallowed hard and tried to look away but couldn’t. “Why . . . would I be afraid?”

  “I was there in the wine cellar, Sara, and I saw what happened when you let your demon out. I also saw the fear on your face when I asked you about it the next day. It terrified you how close the demon came to controlling you. But that would never have happened.”

  A shudder ran through me, and I tried to block the memory of the demon moving beneath my skin, controlling my body and filling my mind. “You’re wrong,” I whispered hoarsely. “It almost did.”

  “No, it didn’t. Look at me,” he commanded. “I would not have let it take you.”

  “But if you hadn’t gotten there when you did, I – ”

  “You would have done it on your own. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. The demon might have gained control for a short time, but you would not have let it stay that way.”

  My breath bottled up in my chest. “How can you know that?”

  His gaze did not waver. “Because I know you. You are one of the most willful people I’ve ever met, and it would take a lot more than a demon to control you.” His mouth curved into a smile, and I felt an answering warmth in my belly. “That I know from experience.”

  “Are you going to train me to fight without my demon?”

  “Today we are going to start with the basics. You will learn to open yourself to your Mori safely.”

  A cold knot formed in my chest. “I can’t – ”

  “Yes, you can. This is something every one of us learns to do, and you will, too. You are a lot stronger than the rest of us were when we started.” His voice was firm but reassuring and I wanted to believe him, but I could not get the memory of that night in the cellar out of my head.

  He must have seen my fear because he reached out unexpectedly to take my hand in his, sending a warm tingle up my arm. “Do you trust me?”

  I bit my lip and nodded slowly.

  “And you know that I would never let anything harm you, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” He smiled, and his eyes softened. He released my hand and sat back. “It might be easier if you tell me how it is that you are able to control your demon. How do you keep your Mori separate from your Fae power?”

  I thought for a minute about the best way to answer because I’d never had to explain my power to anyone before now. “It’s hard to explain. I can feel the demon in my head and sense its thoughts, or rather its emotions, if that makes sense.”

  He nodded.

  “When I was little I used to hear its voice whispering in my mind, kind of like a song you get stuck in your head and it won’t go away no matter what you think about. I think I was five or six when it first tried to come out, and it scared me so much that I accidentally released my power, which I had no idea about until that day. The beast – that’s what I used to call my demon before you told me what it was – was afraid of my power and it pulled into the back of my mind to get away from it. I was scared to death and I had no idea what was going on with me, but I knew I’d done something to make the creepy voice in my head quiet. It wasn’t until I found an injured robin and the power burst out of me to heal the bird’s wing that I realized what I could really do. After that, I had to learn to keep my power locked away and only call on it when I needed it and also how to tap into it to keep the beast – I mean the demon – caged in the back of my mind. The only times the demon seemed to wake up was when I did a healing and drained my power. That used to happen all the time in the beginning, but it doesn’t happen anymore.”

  He was quiet for a moment, and his expression was impossible to read. He must think I’m a total freak now.

  “I don’t know if I am more amazed by your level of control or that you learned it at such a young age with no guidance or training. Are you consciously doing it?”

  There was none of the disgust I feared I would hear in his voice, and some of my anxiety left me. “In the beginning I did, and it was hard as hell. I lost control of my power all the time because I had to focus on keeping the beast – demon – quiet. Now, it’s like breathing. I don’t have to think about it unless I use too much power and get weak. Then the demon starts to move and I have to use force with it. How do you do it?”

  “Not like that.” He laughed and ran a hand through his hair, and I couldn’t help but notice how the black waves shone in the sun. “You talk about your Mori and your Fae power like they are parts of you that you move as easily as an arm or a leg. For the rest of us, there is no real separation between us and our demons. My Mori and I are joined completely, and I feel its thoughts and emotions as easily as my own.”

  “How can you control it if it’s that much a part of you?” I could not imagine constantly sharing my mind with another consciousness. It was already noisy enough in my head with my own thoughts. I would go crazy if I was bombarded with the demon’s thoughts all the time.

  “I learned from a young age to suppress the demon’s natural urges just like you would any craving. But unlike you, I can’t block it completely, and I’m always aware of my Mori because together we make one person.”

  “I don’t think I could live like that.”

  “And I couldn’t live any other way,” he said with a smile. “Now I understand why it’s so difficult for you tap into your Mori’s strength. You keep it bound so tightly you aren’t even aware of its presence half the time. We need to show you how to get to know it.”

  My hands twisted in the bottom of my hoodie. “How do we do that?”

  “You said you keep it locked in a part of your mind, right? You need to loosen your hold on it and connect with it.”

  I jumped to my feet. “I can’t do that. You don’t understand how it felt when I let it out before.”

  Nikolas did not move from his rock. “It won’t be like that this time because we won’t let it.” He looked calm and sounded so confident that I wanted to believe him. He was strong but could he protect me from what was inside me? He extended a hand toward me. “Trust me.”

  My hand had a mind of its own, slipping into his so he could he pull me down gently to sit on the rock again. Fear chilled me, and the only warm part of me was the hand he held.

  “Take it slowly. Just open up a little and remember that you are the stronger one.”

  “I thought the whole purpose of this is to tap into the demon because it has all the strength and speed.”

  His gaze did not waver. “Physically yes, but mentally you are stronger, and your Mori knows that.”

  I closed my eyes and reached for the wall between me and my Mori. With one thought the barrier began to lower, and I immediately felt excitement from the demon huddled behind it. The demon shifted restlessly and fear shot through me, sending the wall back up again. I took a deep breath and tried again. The wall lowered, the demon surged forward, and the wall slammed up. Two more times I tried it with the same result. I gritted my teeth as frustration filled me.

  Strong fingers squeezed my hand gently. I’m safe with Nikolas. I can do this. Resolve filled me, and I let the wall fall before I could stop myself. The demon rushed forward, and this time it made it past the barrier. I cried out as it pressed forward eagerly against my mind and pressure started to build inside my head.

  “Look at me,” Nikolas ordered, his warm hands moving up to frame my cold face. I opened my eyes to meet his. “I know this feels wrong and frightening to you, but that is only because you aren’t used to it. Don’t run from it, and don’t push it away. Feel your Mori, get to know it, and let it get to know you.”

  I grabbed a thread of my power and held onto it like a lifeline as I faced the Mori. Stop! I told it sharply, but it i
gnored me and surged forward again. I brandished my power like a weapon. Stop!

  The Mori froze, and I sensed it watching me warily. We faced off for what seemed like forever before it slowly pulled back in a reluctant act of submission. I pulled back my power, and we studied one another for the first time without a wall between us. The Mori was a small blob of brooding darkness that broadcast a myriad of emotions and jumbled thoughts I could not understand. We were like familiar strangers, two people who had shared the same house for a long time without ever speaking.

  Hello, I said before I realized how stupid that sounded. You did not talk to the demon in your head. Yeah, because having a demon in your head is so normal. They have hospitals for this kind of thing.

  The Mori shifted position slightly, reminding me of a dog tilting its head when you speak to it. Do you understand me? I asked it.

  It did not speak, but I sensed something that felt like recognition – and resentment. I’d be resentful too if I had been locked up for years. Still, I couldn’t help the spark of excitement that flared in my chest. Don’t you want to talk to me?

  Talk? The word filled my mind, and I recognized the voice I had heard in my head my whole life.

  Yes, you know – get to know each other, I guess.

  The Mori did not respond, and I wondered if I had imagined it speaking. I reached toward it, and it shrunk back suddenly, making a sound like a growl. It took me several seconds to realize it was scared of me, or more likely of the power I held. Taking a huge leap of faith, I dropped the power and let it sink back into my core. I won’t hurt you, I said the same way I would talk to a feral animal.

  Glow burns, it snarled.

  Glow? What was it talking about? Then I looked down inside myself and saw the shimmering well of my power. I gave myself a mental head slap. My Fae power hurt it because it was a demon.

  I’m sorry. I didn’t know it burned you. I won’t hurt you anymore.

  The Mori appeared to understand, and it relaxed but did not move closer. It studied me quietly as if it was trying to figure out why I was talking to it all of a sudden.

  Nikolas says we –

  Solmi! the Mori cried, and a wave of emotions blasted me and left me gasping. I was dimly aware of someone speaking to me, and it took me a few seconds to recognize Nikolas’s voice. I opened my eyes and looked into his worried ones.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I replied, trying to focus on him and watch the demon at the same time. “This is so weird and kind of intense.”

  “I imagine it is. I think that’s enough for now.”

  “But I just started.”

  His eyebrows lifted a fraction. “You’ve been at it for over an hour.”

  Disbelief rippled through me. “I have?”

  “Yes, and you don’t want to overdue it.”

  “Okay.” I closed my eyes and looked at the demon that had not moved. I hate to do this when we are just getting to know each other, but I have to put you back now.

  Back? it asked, and I felt its fear and sadness.

  For now. I actually felt guilty about forcing it back, but I was not ready to have a demon running free in my head. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready for that.

  The Mori surprised me by retreating of its own accord back into its prison, but its anger and pain touched me even after the wall went back up. I opened my eyes and was shocked to find them welling with tears.

  “Sara?”

  I pulled away from Nikolas and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. “I’m fine. It was just . . . not what I expected.”

  “What happened?”

  “We talked a little. Well, I did most of the talking.” I stood and walked to the water’s edge, too full of nervous energy to sit. Nikolas was still sitting when I turned to face him again. “I can’t describe it. What is it like for you?”

  “I feel my Mori’s thoughts, but they are almost like my own thoughts. I don’t talk to it like I would to another person.”

  “Oh.” I felt a little deflated at his answer. Why did everything have to be so different for me? Why couldn’t I be like everyone else for once?

  “Don’t do that.” His voice was firm as he walked to where I stood. “You’ve made great progress, considering your fear when we started.”

  “I know. It’s just . . . never mind.”

  “Tell me,” he ordered gently.

  I picked up some small stones and started tossing them into the lake so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “Nothing about me is normal. I’m probably the only one of my kind in existence, and I don’t fit in here like the other trainees. I can’t fight, and I hate killing. What kind of warrior doesn’t like killing? I don’t even connect with my Mori the way the rest of you do.”

  He took one of the stones from my hand and sent it skipping far across the surface of the lake. “Your Fae blood does make you different, but that doesn’t mean you are not as much a Mohiri as the rest of us. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to kill.”

  “My Mori is afraid of me. I bet you don’t have to worry about that with yours.”

  Nikolas shook his head. “No, and that will change for you once you and your Mori learn to join. Trust me; all it wants is to be one with you. Without that, it has no purpose.”

  “It said my power burns it. I promised not to hurt it again, but what if my Fae power keeps getting stronger?

  My question took him off guard, and he stared at me for several seconds. “Is your power getting stronger?”

  “Yes.” I told him about the strange bursts of power I’d been experiencing and the coldness I’d felt in my chest twice. His eyes widened when I explained what I’d done to the bazerats and the lamprey demon, and he was silent for a good minute after I finished talking.

  “Have you told anyone else about this?”

  “Only Tristan and Roland.”

  He nodded. “Good. Keep it between us for now and let me know if it happens again.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.” Fear crept into my voice. “Will my Fae power hurt my Mori? Could I hurt another Mohiri?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” he said uncertainly, and my anxiety grew. “The way I see it, you’ve had the two of them inside you your whole life and if you were going to hurt your Mori, you would have done it by now. Did you feel like your demon was in danger when you had these flare-ups?”

  I thought about it and realized I hadn’t felt any fear or pain from my Mori either time. “No.”

  “There’s your answer then.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “Let’s not worry about that unless we need to.”

  His confidence eased my fears, and I took a deep breath to relax. “What now?”

  A gleam entered his eyes. “Now we do some other training.”

  “What kind of training?” I gave him a wary look as he pulled off his sword and thin sweater and tossed them on the rock he’d been sitting on. I got a good view of a ripped stomach before he tugged his black T-shirt down past the waistband of his jeans. Heat unfurled in my stomach and I looked away quickly before he caught me staring.

  “Nothing difficult,” he said, showing no sign he noticed my pink cheeks. “How about we go for a run?”

  I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me. “You expect me to keep up with you?” I was a good runner, but Nikolas was as fast as a vampire.

  A corner of his mouth lifted. “I’ll try to dial it back a bit.”

  “Gee, I feel so special,” I retorted and began to stretch my legs. “How long will it take me to be as fast as you?”

  “About a hundred years or so.”

  I straightened and stared at him. “A hundred years?”

  “Give or take a few. Your Mori will give you strength, but it’ll be a long time before you develop that kind of speed. Didn’t anyone explain that to you?”

  I shook my head, trying to figure out if he was kidding me. “I think Callum was too busy trying to get me to use my Mori to go over that stuff. But what you�
�re saying doesn’t make sense. How can warriors fight vampires if they can’t keep up with them?”

  Nikolas crossed his arms looking displeased. “Apparently there is a lot they haven’t told you. How much do you know about vampires and how they are made?”

  “I know a vampire drinks from someone and forces the person to drink their blood and that’s how the demon is passed into the new host. It takes three or four days for the new demon to grow strong enough to take control of the person. Oh, and only mature vampires can make another vampire.”

  He nodded. “That’s all true, but did you also know that new vampires are weak and their strength grows over time. They are stronger than a human, but no match for a trained warrior, and it takes them almost as long as it does us to develop the kind of speed you’ve seen. Most of the vampires we saw in Maine were mature, and it’s unusual to see that many mature vampires together. Many of the vampires warriors deal with don’t have that kind of strength or speed.”

  “I knew baby vamps were weak, but I thought that only lasted a few months.” His explanation surprised me, but it also filled me with a sense of relief to learn not every vampire was as fast or as strong as Eli had been. It was another reminder of the holes in my education and how much I had to catch up on.

  “We’re going to need to add some studies to your training,” he said as if he’d read my mind. “We’ll start this afternoon.”

  Oh yay. All day training with Nikolas.

  “But right now, how about that run?”

  Part of me was still mad at him for taking off the way he had, but the thought of running free through the trees again like I used to at home was too tempting to resist. And it was hard to stay angry after he’d been so supportive in training. “Okay.”

  “Follow me.”

  We set off around the lake, and it wasn’t until we were at the halfway point that I realized the lake was bigger than it looked. There was no trail so I had to dodge rocks and jump over fallen trees, but that hardly took away from the pleasure of just running. True to his word, Nikolas slowed down so I could keep a few feet behind him, and unlike me, he showed no signs of tiring by the time we got back to our starting point.